


Please Don't Question

by Flakey42



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 10:25:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14892860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flakey42/pseuds/Flakey42
Summary: Crack- lots of crack.





	Please Don't Question

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: CRACK
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER.

I am eternally bored help  
jack jumper ant  
pink elephants  
grinning gorillas  
okay here’s an absolutely crack fic lol

/

Harry Potter rubbed his name out giggling and replaced it with ‘Happy Potter.’ Luna nodded dreamily and Ronnie was busy pooping while Hermione watched in a disgusted look.  
“DONE! I AM NOW CALLED HAPPY POTTER!” Happy announced. Just then, the door opened and a pointy nose entered. Then a greasy haired man entered, dressed in pink pants and fake fairy wings strapped onto his armpits.   
“Can I change my name too? I wanna be Fairevus Rape!” he cackled. Happy beamed, Luna was sleeping, Ronnie wiped his butt with his hand and Hermione scrambled to get away.   
“Okay! Fairevus Rape is now your new name!” Happy the Official Name Changer declared.   
“Yay!” Fairevus whooped, jumping off a strip dancing McGonagall and flapping his armpits.   
“Heya, I wanna change my name too Kediebomp!” McGonagall whispered, giggling and throwing off her robe, revealing her old and wrinkly body.   
Happy the Official Name Changer shook his head in distaste.  
“No! You’re old!” He decided. Dejected, McGonagall whipped out her wand and transfigured Ronnie’s poop into an upset brown cat.   
“50000000 points from Gryffindor! Pooparus, ATTACK!” She screamed, running away. Hermione yelled as Pooparus bit her, and stumbled away.  
“Stop right now! Fear the power of my potions! You shall never attack Happy Potter again!” Fairevus decided, throwing a few weird pink potions at the cat. Pooparus yowled, suddenly transforming into a hot brunette with the widest blue eyes.   
“I’m sorry Fairevus! I’m Hottie!” She cried, going onto one knee. Fairevus nodded, satisfied.   
“Good. Come on Hottie. Bye bye Happy!” He screamed, dancing away with Hottie following.   
Dreamy Luna woke up suddenly.   
“Damn, I think the wrackspurts arrived early! Oh well. The Nargles must have escaped! There’s Flitwick!” she said, horrified.   
Flitwick crept in and looked up in surprise.   
“Aww, busted. 5 points from Ravenclaw, Mr Lovebad!“ He reprimanded. “Not good enough.”  
Happy interrupted, “Hey, I’m the Official Name Changer, not you!”  
Suddenly Happy starts to glow and a billion Happy Potter clones appear, all wearing orange tracksuits and bright yellow shirts with ‘OFFICIAL NAME CHANGER’ written in big, bold brown betters. Oh sorry, letters, I mean. The alliteration got to me! Save yourself!  
“Excellent! Good thinking, my boy! Ten million points TO Gryffindor!” Dumbledore says, strolling in casually. “Lemon drops?”   
“HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA NO ONE WANTS YOUR LEMON DROPS! YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS! I’M LAUGHING BECAUSE I’M SO EVIL! I CAN DO THE VOLDEMORT!” Voldemort screeches in a girly voice, appearing out of no where. “CAN YOU DO THE VOLDEMORT? CAN YOU DO THE VOLDEMORT? CAN YOU LOSE YOUR NOSE AND STILL BE EVIL?”  
Hermione looks up baffled, pushing Ronnie out of her lap.   
“Why did you just sing that last part in the tune of the Periodic Table Song by ASAP Science?“ She asks confused. Voldemort is offended.  
“No, it’s the Can Can song!”   
“No, it’s the Periodic Table song!”   
“No, it’s the Can Can song!”   
“No, it’s the Periodic Table song!”   
“No, it’s the Can Can song!”   
“No, it’s the Periodic Table song!”   
“No, it’s the Can Can song!”   
“How?!”  
“You know, it’s the ‘can you do the Can Can, can you do the Can Can, I can do the Ca-ah-ah-ah-ah- an Can!’ part!’”  
“What? There’s isn’t a part like that!”  
“Yes there is! How is it in the Periodic table?!”  
“I don’t know! It’s there somewhere!”  
“See? You have no proof, so it’s the Can Can song!”  
“No, it’s the Periodic Table song!”   
“No, it’s the Can Can song!”   
“No, it’s the Periodic Table song!”   
“No, it’s the Can Can song!”   
“No, it’s the Periodic Table song!”   
“No, it’s not the Periodic Table song!”  
“Yes it is, we learnt it during science!”   
“Hogwarts doesn’t have science!”  
“When I was ten! It was before Hogwarts!”  
“How the heck do you remember that?”  
“I don’t know, but I’m telling you it’s the Periodic Table song!”  
“No, it’s the Can Can song!”   
“No, it’s the Periodic Table song!”   
“No, it’s the Can Can song!”   
“No, it’s the Periodic Table song!”   
“No, it’s the Can Can song!”   
“No, it’s the Periodic Table song!”   
“No, it’s the Can Can song!”   
“No, it’s the Periodic Table song!”   
“No, it’s the Can Can song!”   
“Lemon drops?”  
“No, it’s the Periodic Table song!”   
“No, it’s the Can Can song!”   
“No, it’s the Periodic Table song!”   
“No, it’s the Can Can song!”   
“No, it’s the Periodic Table song!”   
“No, it’s the Can Can song!”   
“No, it’s the Periodic Table song!”   
Neville enters and whimpers.   
“Guys, why is Hermione arguing with V-V-Volde-de-de-m-m WAAA I CAN’T SAY HIS NAME! I’M SUCH A WORTHLESS WIZARD! WAAAAA!”   
Draco appears and nods in agreement.   
“Yeah, filthy blood traitor mudblood squib!” He yells. Quickly smooths back his hair and leans on a leg to look cooler.   
“Geez, you look like a slimy legless snake, Malfoy!” Ronnie says, disgusted.   
“Snakes don’t have legs, Weasel!” Draco fires back, offended.   
“BEGONE WRACKSPURTS AND NARGLES!” Luna bellows, catapulting off a disgruntled Happy and knocks herself out.  
“Ow!”  
“Bloody hell, Happy.” Ronnie says, “Your shoulder!”  
Timidly, Neville steps up. “I can h-h-h-heal that if you want, H-H-Happy.”   
“Nah, like you said, you suck at magic.” Happy says dismissively.   
Neville starts crying and Voldemort stops screaming at Hermione.  
“Don’t be so cruel, Potter.” He says sadly. “Wait, I mean good job! HAHAHAHAHHAAA! I’m so evil!”  
Hagrid wanders in.   
“Blimey, I thought I heard a Tryferion Loud Idiolton!” He says, surprised.   
“Lemon drops?”  
“What are they?” Voldemort asks, confused.   
“Oh, evil blighters, they are, Loud, infuriating and complete idiots!” Hagrid explains.  
“Hagrid, how come you can speak normally?” Hermione asks. Hagrid shrugs.   
“I dunno. Well I guess there aren’t any Tryferion Loud Idioltons here. Bye friends!”   
Hagrid leaves and a few minutes can be heard yelling ‘BLIMEY SNAPE! WHO IS SHE? ACTUALLY I DON’T WANT TO KNOW! I JUST WANT TO WASH MY EYES OUT!”  
“Poor Severus.” Voldemort says sympathetically.   
“It’s Fairevus.” Happy corrects.  
“No, poor Hagrid!” Ron interrupts. Voldemort shoots him a look.  
“I’m evil, remember?” He says.  
“Lemon drops?”  
“Oh, that makes sense. But then why are you feeling sorry for Snape if you’re evil?” Hermione questions. Voldemort thinks.  
“Hmm. Good point.” He decides.  
“Good job, Ms Granger! Five points to-to-to Ravenclaw???” Flitwick trails off, confused.   
“Oh yeah. She changed houses for some reason.” Happy explains, shrugging.   
“Ah. Well, then, this isn’t any favouritism, no, but one million points to Ravenclaw!” Flitwick says.   
“Hah, goodness knows how Gryffindor’s gonna get points now!” Draco sneers. “No more Mudblood Know-It-All anymore!”   
“At least Hermione’s better than you!” Neville yells, shocked.   
Silence…  
…  
…  
…  
“Good job Neville! I, er, mean Longbottom. Didn’t know you had it in you!“ Voldemort says, embarrassed. “Don’t tell anyone I said that though. I need a good evil reputation.”  
Ron snorts and grins at Draco.  
“See? No one likes snakes like you!” He cackles gleefully.   
“Oh this is getting boring. You’re all saying like the same stuff.” Happy complains.  
“FAIREVUS! HAGRID! UM, WHO ELSE IS OUT? OH YEA, MCGONAGALL! PLEASE REPORT TO THE UM, ROOM WITH THE AMAZING ME, VOLDEMORT! BRING ALONG SOMETHING FUN! WE NEED SOME ENTERTAINMENT!” Voldemort screams through the loudspeaker. Wait, what?  
“Erm, not trying to be rude, but using muggle stuff isn’t really good in the whole I’m Evil! plan.” Happy says. “Unless you want your name changed to Not Really Evil Voldemort?”   
All Happy clones start to buzz and Voldemort’s name is changed.  
“NOOOOOOOOOO I DIDN’T WANT MY NAME TO BE CHANGED!” Not Really Evil Voldemort wails. “At least change it to Voldemort Who Pretends He’s Evil By Not Being Evil But He Totally Definitely Is Evil.”  
“Lemon drops?”  
Happy smiles as his clones began to buzz. “Okay!”  
Fairevus, Hottie, Hagrid and McGonagall enter and stop, shocked.   
“Um, what’s going on? Protect me Fairvie!” Hottie sniffs. Luna wakes up suddenly, baffled.  
“Oh, seems like my purifying act didn’t work.” She comments, frowning.   
“Oh please change my name Happy.” McGonagall begs. Happy sighs.  
“Fine, got that clones?” He asks. Clones buzz and McGonagall’s name is changed to Kediebomp.   
“Thank you!” McGonagall gushes.   
“Ten points to Gryffindor for helping your professor!” Flitwick chirps.   
“Anyone seen a Tryferion Loud Idiolton yet?” Hagrid interrupts, baffled. “I swear there was one in here.”   
“Are you calling us infuriating, loud and complete idiots Hagrid?!” Hermione gasps.   
“What, no!” Hagrid says, shocked.  
“Lemon drops?”  
“Of course he is!” Draco cackles.  
“Shut up Malfoy!” Ron screams.   
“I was just lookin-” Hagrid starts.  
“I won’t shut up, Weasel. It’s true what the great oaf says!” Draco interrupts.   
“That’s not what I meant!” Hagrid yells.   
“You’re a real slimy snake, Malfoy!” Ron fires.   
“Like you can say anything! Your family is so poor I heard your mum gets money by breeding children!” Malfoy laughs.  
“That’s not true!” Ron says.   
“Yeah right. What are you, the tenth kid?” Draco smirks.  
“Boys!” Hagrid tries. Oh that’s probably Flitwick or Kediepomb, actually.   
“Pffft, you’re just jealous!” Ron hisses.  
“What? Of your second-hands- wait no! Elethenth hands!” Draco started laughing like it was the most hilarious thing in the world.   
“Oh shut it Malfoy!” Hermione snaps.   
“Pfffft you should Granger. No one cares about what a mudblood wants.” Draco scoffs.   
“5 points from Slytherin for being rude! 5 points from Gryffindor for being rude! 5 points from Slytherin for being rude! 5 points from Gryffindor for being rude! 5 points from Slytherin for being rude! 5 points from Gryffindor for being rude! Stop it boys! 5 points from Slytherin for being rude! 5 points from Gryffindor for being rude! Stop it! You too Hermione, I thought you were bette- Don’t say that Draco! 5 points from Slytherin for being rude! 5 points from Gryffindor for being rude! 5 points from Slytherin for being rude! 5 points from Gryffindor for being rude! 5 points from Slytherin for being rude! 5 points from Gryffindor for being rude! 5 points from Slytherin for being rude! 5 points from Gryffindor for being rude! Boys, girls, stop it!” Flitwick hops around like a maniac trying to get them to stop. Finally Fairevus finally steps in and yells a loud ’1 point from Slytherin and 200 points from Gryffindor!’   
“Professors, remember? Hermione transferred to Ravenclaw.” Happy says not liking how his house is losing points for no reason.  
“Oh yeah. Thanks Happy.” Fairevus says.  
A few seconds later they’re back.   
“You guys are so poor why would I want to be jealous of you?” Draco scoffs.  
“Well maybe because at least we aren’t prats!” Ronnie answers.  
“At least we don’t have six children!” Draco fires back.  
“So?” Ronnie questions.   
“I bet your mother only gets her money by making kids!” Draco smirks.  
“No she doesn’t!”   
At that point Hottie cuts in.   
“Wait, is that a bad thing? I get money by making kids and selling them. I’m also a willing one night stander.“ She says.  
Fairevus looks at her in shock.  
“You said I was your first!?” He gasps.  
“Sorry, I lied. I’ll make it up to you?” Hottie grins.  
“No! Damn you Malfoy, I don’t care that you’re my godson, I hate you!” Fairevus bellows.  
“Seve- I mean Fairevus!” Kedipomb gasps.  
“What? Why?! My father will hear about this!” Draco wails.  
“I could have lived so great if I didn’t know what Hottie does!” Fairevus scowls.  
“I’m sorry, geez!” Draco grumbles.  
“Lemon drops?”  
“Yeah, Malfoy!” Ronnie smirks.  
“How’s that my fault?” Draco snaps.   
“Honestly Malfoy, were you even listening?” Hermione yells.   
By now Flitwick had given up and just sat there dejectedly.   
“Mudblood opinions don’t matter to me! Anyway, it was their fault for making me bring it up!” Draco says.  
“How was it our fault?” Happy asks.  
“It was my fault! I shouldn’t have brought up the Tryferion Loud Idioltons!” Hagrid wails.  
“Damn right it was your fault, filthy halfbreeds! They ought to be removed at once!” Draco growls.  
Flitwick stands up, eyes glittering dangerously.   
“Mr Malfoy, I’ll have you know that I’m half goblin!” He says. “Such rudeness is not accepted!”  
“Yeah right! My father will hear about this! Halfbreeds are scum!” Draco announced.  
“Stop it Malfoy!” Ronnie screams.  
“Yeah!” Neville added.  
“Pffft, Longbottom? Right, the squib.”  
“Lemon drops?”  
“I-I’m not a squib!” Neville cried.  
“No, he just has a wrackspurt infestation.” Luna said suddenly, blinking.  
“Look, the Weasel’s getting upset!” Draco, probably.  
“Shut the hell up!” Ronnie?  
“Guys, stop it!” Hermione probably.  
“BEGONE WRACKSPURTS AND NARGLES!” Luna, definitely.  
“What’s your problem, Luna?” Hermione.  
“My shoulder! Again!” Happy.  
“See? Loony Lovegood’s gone crazy by you disgusting blood traitors!” Draco.  
“EVERYONE BE QUIET!” Kedipomb or Hermione. Maybe Flitwick. Actually, nah, it’s a girl.   
“No. With all due respect, Kediepomb, Malfoy is being really rude.” Happy? No, he’s rubbing his shoulder. Wait, no, it is Happy!  
“Fine, if that’s what you want, Happy.” Ah yes, Kedipomb.  
“You know? Weasel’s a blood traitor, Longbottom’s a squib, Granger’s a mudblood know-it-all, the oaf’s a halfbreed as well as Flitwick, McGonagall’s an idiot, Sev’s a jerk, Hottie’s well, hot, and Potter’s- Potter’s- Potter’s, well, he’s, erm, Gah! Okay, I’ll admit it. I’m stupidly in love with Harry Potter.” Malfoy declares.  
Silence…   
…  
…  
…  
“Hey! It’s Happy Potter, not Harry Potter!” Happy suddenly cries.   
“Mate, you okay?” Ron asks, bewildered.   
“You’re supposed to love me back!” Draco cries.   
“But…. I don’t?”  
“Oh god.” Hermione says suddenly.  
“Now that is entertainment.” Smirks Voldemort Who Pretends He’s Evil By Not Being Evil But He Totally Definitely Is Evil.  
Silence……  
…  
…  
…  
“Lemon drops?”


End file.
